100 Jewish Jokes

Jewish Jokes List

1. Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a passover pizza?
A: Matzarello

2. Q: What does a Jewish pirate say?
A: Ahoy vey!

3. In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
A: When it graduates from med school.

4. Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porn movies backwards?
A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

5. Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.

6. Q: What would you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
A: Genghis Cohen.

7. Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a
mohel carry?
A: A bris kit.

8. Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men?
A: Fillet minyan.

9. Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

10. Q: What do you call someone from Israel that has to sneeze?
A: A Jew

11. Q: Did you hear about the short-sighted mohel (circumciser)?
A: He got the sack.

12. Q: Did you hear about the Jewish ATM?
A: When you take out some money, it says to you, what did you do with the last $50 I gave
you?

13. Q: What is the difference between a crucifixion and a circumcision?
A. In a crucifixion, they throw out the whole Jew.

14. Q: Why do Jews have big noses?
A: Because the air is free.

15. Q: How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
A: When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

16. Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his wife Sadie?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

17. Q: Did you hear about the Jewish troll?
A: His name was Rumpled Foreskin.

18. Q: Did you hear about the new tires, Firestein?
A: They not only stop on a dime, they also pick it up!

19. Q: Define: Genius
A: A “C” student with a Jewish mother.

20. Q: Who was the most well known Jewish cook?
A: Hitler! Jewish people are the most optimistic people in the world. They have some cut off
before they even know how big it will get.

21. Q: Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
A: It’s called “Cheeses of Nazareth”.

22. Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: Modem anachnu loch…

23. Q: What’s the definition of a queer Jew?
A: Someone that likes girls more than money.

24. Q: Why were gentiles invented?
A: Somebody has to pay retail.

25. Q: What do you call a potato that picks on Jews?
A: a dicTATER.

26. Q: Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised?
A: Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off

27. Q: Would you believe the Flinstones were Jewish?
A: Yabba Dabba Jew!

28. Q: How do you know when you’re on a Jewish golf course?
A: The players don’t yell ‘FORE’ they yell ‘$3.99!’

29. Q: Why are synagogues round?
A: So the Jews can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes round!

30. Q: What do you call a Jewish woman’s waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea!

31. Q: Why don’t Jews eat pork?
A: Jews may be a lot of things but cannibals they are not!

32. Q: Why do Jewish women only sleep with circumcised men?
A: They want 20% off everything!

33. Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat!

34. Q: What’s the worst part about raping a dead Jewish five-year-old?
A: Hearing the pelvis crack! What’s even worse? There’s six million more to go!

35. Q: What happens when a naked Jew with a ten-inch erection runs into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose!

36. Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Somebody dropped a shekel!

37. Q: What’s the best thing that ever came out of Auschwitz?
A: The empty buses!

38. Q: What do you call a Jewish faggot?
A: A heblew!

38. Q: How do you say FUCK YOU in Jewish?
A: “Trust me!”

40. Q: How do you say FUCK YOU, ARSEHOLE in Jewish?
A: “Trust me, my friend!”

41. Q: What’s the Jewish version of foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging!

42. Q: What do you call ten Jewish bitches in a basement?
A: A whine cellar!

43. Q: What’s the difference between a vulture and a Jew?
A: A vulture waits until you are dead to eat your heart out!

44. Q: What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy after he lured him into his car?
A: “Hey, go easy on those sweets!”

45. Q: Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
A: Because the hats with little propellors cost extra!

46. Q: What’s the Jewish version of foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging!

47. Q: Do you know how to keep Jews out of a country club?
A: Let one in, and he will keep the rest out!

48. Q: Why is money green?
A: Because the Jews picked it before it was ripe!

49. Q: What’s the definition of a queer Jew?
A: A Jew that likes girls more than money!

50. Q: How was copper wiring invented?
A: Two Jews found the same penny!

51. Q: How do you take a head count in Israel?
A: Roll a penny down the street!

52. Q: What’s the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
A: A canoe tips!

53. Do not be racist , be like Mario.
He’s an italian plumber, made by Japanese people, who speaks english, looks like a mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a jew!

54. Q: What’s faster than a speeding bullet?
A: A Jew with a coupon.

55. Hitler calls a meeting of his best soldiers and commanders and tells them “Alright I want to order the assassination of one thousand
jews and four hedgehogs.”
Then one of his generals stands and says “But… Mein furhur why four hedgehogs?”
Hitler then smiles and says “See? No one gives a f*ck about the jews.”

56. Why do Jews watch porn backwards?
Because their favorite part is when the hooker gives the money back.

57. Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two jews fighting over a penny.

58. Q: What was Hitler’s favorite drink?
A: Concentrated jews.

59. How do you tell when time is reversing?
When a Jew drops a coin on the ground.

60. Q: What is a Jews biggest dilemma?
A: Free Pork.

61. How do you start a Jewish parade?
Throw a penny down main street.

62. Who’s the most famous Jewish cook in history?
Hitler.

63. Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?
A: He saw his gas bill.

64. Q: Why is it good to have a Jewish car?
A: It can stop on a dime, and pick it up for you too!

65. I bought a Jewish sports car.
Not only will it stop on a dime, it will pick it up too. I’ve heard they’re gas guzzlers though.

67. Q: Why is it good to have a Jewish car?
A: It can stop on a dime, and pick it up for you too!

68. Q: What is the difference between a Jew and a boy scout?
A: the boy Scott gets to go home after camp.

69. Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

70. Q: What do you call a flying Jew?
A: Ashes.

71. Q: How do you get a Jew to win a race?
A: Drop a quarter at the finish line.

72. Q: What’s the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?
A: Santa comes down the chimney.

73. Q: Why do Jews have so big noses?
A: Because the air is free.

74. Q: What do the Jews hate most about the Holocaust?
A: The cost.

75. Hitler: I asked for a glass of juice, not gas the Jews!

76. Q: What is the difference between Harry Potter and a jew?
A: Harry Potter escaped the chamber.

77. The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

78. Q: Hey, what’s the jew doing in the ashtray?
A: Family research.

79. Q: Why do old Jews have outhouses?
A: Because their afraid of the showers.

80. How do you get a Jewish girl’s number?
You pull up her sleeve.

81. Q: How do you fit 100 Jews in a car?
A: Three in the back, two in the front and the rest in the ashtray.

82. Q: How many jews can you fit in a VW Beetle?
A: 54, two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.

83. Q: What’s the difference between a bullet and a Jew?
A: A bullet actually comes out of its chamber.

84. How to tell who is Jewish in your class, drop a penny and see who gets their first.

85. Whats the difference between a jew camp and a summer camp?
The kids come back.

86. Q: What was so bad about being a black Jew?
A: You had to sit in the back of the oven.

87. Two rabbis prepare to wash the cadaver of a recently deceased before burying him, according to a Jewish tradition.
The deceased possessed a tremendous sexual organ.
Aaron, you see what I am seeing?
Yes Jacob, I see it… it is as mine.
That long?
No, that dead.

88. A Jew, a German and an American walked into a small room. The Jew never came out.

89. An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup.
A man passed by and the beggar said to the man, “Sir, could you spare 3 cents for a cup of coffee?”
And the man said, “Where do get coffee for 3 cents?”
And the beggar said, “Who buys retail?”

90. The whole idea of Jesus dying to pay for our sins is bullshit.
Jews don’t pay for anything.

91. Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?
A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.

92. Q: Why is it jewish men won’t go down on a woman?
A: Too close to the gas chamber.

93. A man in a balaclava with a gun asked, “Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?”
“Neither, I’m a Jew.”
“But are you a Protestant Jew or a Catholic Jew?”

94. Q: Where does a black jew go?
A: The back of the oven.

95. Knock knock?
Who’s there?
Hitler!
Hitler who?
You Know, the man who kills jews.

96. One day a Jew was giving an Asian a blowjob, then, the Asian said do you have homework.
The Jew said no and they continued the blowjob.
Adam was waiting outside for a long time before he decided to walk in.
He walked in to find the Jew getting it up the bum.
Adam decided he wanted to get some action too, so he walked up and took a swing at the Asian.
The Asian died and then the Jew yelled Aluakbah and bombed everyone.
Note: they were all boys.

97. A Jewish guy got in a taxi cab…5 min into a ride the driver notice a man beating up a woman on the other side of the street.
The driver rush to the scene.
He open the door ran out as soon as he did that the Jewish guy roll down his window as fast as he can and shouted, “Stop it, stop it, stop the meter.”

98. One day Kermit the Frog was looking sad. Fozzie Bear went up to him and asked what was wrong.
Kermit said, “I’m having problems with Miss Piggy.”
“Like what?” asked Fozzie.
“Well, Piggy wants me to eat her out and I can’t.”
Fozzie asked, “So, what’s wrong with that?
You’re not a prude or anything.”
“No,” sighed Kermit, “but I am a Jew.”

99. A young fellow went to a Jewish Doctor and told the doctor he was worried because he could not get an erection.
Whereupon the doctor told him to eat Jewish Rye Bread.
So on his way home, the young man stopped a Jewish Bakery and asked for 25 Loaves of Rye Bread.
The Baker said “25 Loaves? It will get hard before you get rid of it.”
Whereupon the patient in excitement said “Give me 50 loaves.”

100. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson: he brought the house down.

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