1: How are babies and the elderly alike? Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.
2: How do you get 100 babies into a bucket? With a blender!
3: How do you get a baby out of a tree? You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it’s a piñata!
4: How do you get a baby to run faster? Chase it with the lawn mower.
5: How do you know when a baby is a dead baby? The dog plays with it more.
6: How do you make a baby cry twice? Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.
7: How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off of it’s head.
8: How do you make a dead baby float? Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.
9: How do you make a man pregnant? Stick a dead baby up his ass!
10: How do you prepare a dead baby for Valentine’s Day? You shove a box of chocolates down his throat and a bouquet of roses up his ass.
11: How do you prevent a baby from exploding in the microwave? Poke holes in it with a coat hanger.
12: How do you spoil a baby? Leave it out in the sun.
13: How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ? Nail its other hand to the floor.
14: How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole? Stick a javelin through it’s head.
15: How do you stop a baby from choking? Take your dick out of its mouth.
16: How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them.
17: How many dead babies can fit in a barrel? 4 1/2.
18: How many dead babies does it take to change a tire? Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it in case it explodes.
19: How many dead babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil? It depends on how hard you squeeze them.
20: How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb? As many as it takes to climb on top of them in order to reach the socket.
21: If a tree falls on a baby in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, is it still hilarious?
22: What bounces up and down at 100mph? A baby tied to the back of a truck.
23: What do vegetarian ogres eat? Cabbage patch kids.
24: What do you call a 30 week-old preemie? An Appetizer.
25: What do you call a baby on a stick? A Kebabie.
26: What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall? Art.
27: What do you call a dead baby with its skin peeled off? Sexy.
28: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall? Art.
29: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob
30: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Fucked.
31: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying in a ditch? Phil.
32: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying on a beach? Sandy.
33: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying on your porch? Matt.
34: What do you call a dead baby, a rat, 6 week old bread and a gherkin? A Big Mac.
35: What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor? An erection.
36: What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby’s jaw? Deep Throat.
37: What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman? A baby with a black eye!
38: What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender? Hold on. I’ll tell you in a second.
39: What does a baby and a Pinto have in common? They’re fun to ride until they die.
40: What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ? Cancer.
41: What does a bum call a dead baby in a dumpster? A Freeloader.
42: What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.
43: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz? Twins in an acid bath.
44: What happens when you burn baby’s face off? It makes weird noises and crawls into walls.
45: What has 4 legs and one arm? A Doberman in a children’s playground!
46: What is better than a dead baby? The revoked child-support.
47: What is green and sits in a corner? The same baby, six weeks later.
48: What is more disgusting than a pile of 100 dead babies? One live one in the middle is eating its way out.
49: What is pink and red and sits in a corner? A baby chewing on razor blades.
50: What is red and creeps up your leg? A homesick abortion.
51: What is red and pink and can’t turn round in a corridor? A baby with a javelin through its throat.
52: What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter
53: What is the definition of revenge? A baby with a dog in its mouth.
54: What is the difference between a dead baby and a VHS tape? The VHS tape don’t stink when you leave it out in the sun
55: What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller? A baby combing it’s hair with a potato peeler!
56: What wiggles spits and is covered in shit? An inside out baby!
57: What’s 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ? Crib death.
58: What’s blue and bloated and floating in your beer? A dead baby with fetal alcohol syndrome!
59: What’s blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A baby with a punctured lung.
60: What’s blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A baby with a punctured lung.
61: What’s blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool? A baby with burst armbands.
62: What’s blue and sits in the corner? A baby in a baggie.
63: What’s blue and thrashes about on the floor? A baby playing in a plastic bag.
64: What’s bright blue, pink, and sizzles? A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet.
65: What’s brown and gurgles? A baby in a casserole.
66: What’s funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume!
67: What’s funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.
68: What’s got four wheels, smokes and squeals? A bus load of babies on fire.
69: What’s grosser than gross? A garbage can full of dead babies.
70: What’s grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree? One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
71: What’s grosser than that? He goes back for more.
72: What’s grosser than that? He has to eat his way to freedom.
73: What’s grosser than that? The one at the bottom is still alive.
74: What’s harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree? Nailing it to a dead puppy.
75: What’s more fun than a barrel of dead babies? Sticking pins in their eyes.
76: What’s more fun than feeling up a dead baby? Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples
77: What’s more fun than stapling babies to a wall? Ripping them off again.
78: What’s more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 200km/h? Stopping it with a shovel.
79: What’s pink and chunky? A baby with leprosy.
80: What’s pink and red and silver and crawls into walls? A baby with forks in its eyes.
81: What’s pink and spits? A baby in a frying pan.
82: What’s present do you get for a dead baby? A dead puppy.
83: What’s purple, covered in pus and squeals? A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
84: What’s red and dances all around? A baby on a barbecue
85: What’s red and goes round and round? A baby in a garbage disposal.
86: What’s red and lies in all four corners of the room? A baby that’s been playing with a chainsaw.
87: What’s red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding? A baby in a microwave.
88: What’s red, screams and goes around in circles? A baby with its foot nailed to the floor.
89: What’s sicker than driving over a baby? Skidding.
90: What’s small, and red, and full of holes? A baby on a bed of nails.
91: What’s small, and shiny, and blue? A baby with a plastic baggy over its head.
92: What’s the best sound in the world? Hearing dead baby’s hips crack under pressure!
93: What’s the best thing about a Siamese twin baby? Threesomes.
94: What’s the difference between a baby and a bagel? You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.
95: What’s the difference between a baby and a grandmother? Grandmothers don’t die when you fuck them up the ass.
96: What’s the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of baby guts? You can’t gargle gravel.
97: What’s the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies? I don’t have a Cadillac in my garage.
98: What’s the difference between a dead baby and a felt tip marker? You don’t get second looks when you’re writing with a felt tip marker!
99: What’s the difference between a dead baby and a golden delicious apple? You don’t have to bleed the golden delicious apple before you take a bite out of it
100: What’s the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup? The dead baby won’t stick to the roof of your mouth.