100 Adult Jokes

Adult Jokes List

1: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
The blonde, because she’s 18.

2: A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.

3: Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!

4: Define “Egghead:”
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

5: Did ya hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
It works by changing your blood type!!

6: Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
He got the sack.

7: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

8: Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer’s patients?
They hid their own eggs!

9: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

10: Did you hear about the gay guy that’s on the patch?
He’s down to four butts a day.

11: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

12: Did you hear about the kid napping?
Yeah, he woke up!

13: Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.

14: Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.

15: Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

16: Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
They’re going to call her Old Spice.

17: Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
Yeah…now he has no ears.

18: Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife…
A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

19: Do you know how to eat a frog?
You put one leg over each ear.

20: Have you heard about the new ‘Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
They’re called ‘Predickamints’

21: Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

22: How are men like noodles?
They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

23: How are women and linoleum floors alike?
You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

24: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

25: How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table has no balls.

26: How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
The hero always gets his man in the end.

27: How can you tell if you have acne?
If the blind can read your face.

28: How can you tell she’s a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.

29: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
When his hand caught on fire.

30: How did the tugboat get AIDS?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.

31: How do lesbians handle their liquor?
By the ears. (Lick her)

32: How do you fuck a fat chick?
Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.

33: How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?
Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!”

34: How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?
When he can still step on Dolly Parton’s toes.

35: How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
All your tic tacks are gone.

36: How do you know when you are getting old?
When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

37: How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

38: How do you make a snooker table laugh.
Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.

39: How do you turn a fox into an elephant
Marry it.

40: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

41: How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

42: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

43: I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

44: If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!

45: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

46: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged

47: What did one tit say to the other?
I hope we get support soon or people will think we’re nuts.

48: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
“How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

49: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How do you breath through something so small?”

50: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.

51: What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

52: What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

53: What do an airport and a illegal abortion have in common?
The Hanger.

54: What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

55: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

56: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid’s.

57: What do gay kids get for Christmas?
Erection Sets.

58: What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

59: What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
No ball room

60: What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

61: What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand!

62: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tutor.

63: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

64: What do you call a truck full of dildos?
Toys for Twats

65: What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it?
The aids team.

66: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter

67: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

68: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A Mechanic.

69: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor

70: What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
Potpourri

71: What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
Speed bumps.

72: What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A love call.

73: What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

74: What do you call three lesbians in bed together?
M�nage � twat.

75: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

76: What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur traders.

77: What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

78: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Yell at her.

79: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he is God’s gift?
Exchange him.

80: What do you find in a clean nose?
Fingerprints!

81: What do you get when you cross a brassiere with Texas?
Playtex.

82: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
Dicktator

83: What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

84: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
An itchy cock.

85: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.

86: What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

87: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

88: What do your parents’ car and testicles have in common?
Hit either one of them and you’re grounded.

89: What does 70 year old pussy taste like?
Depends!

90: What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

91: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They’re hiring.

92: What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
Push it aside and keep on eating…

93: What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

94: What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

95: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
Thanks for coming.

96: What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
You don’t look down.

97: What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.

98: What goes: “CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?”
A blind person with a rubix cube.

99: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!

100: What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes, it can’t be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

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