1. Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: Because he felt crummy
2. Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
3. Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
A: You’re under a vest!
4. Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta
5. Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look flushed
6. Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
7. Q: Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in!
8. Q: Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
A: Because he was a little shellfish
9. Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match
10. Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying?
A: Because his mom and dad were in a jam.
11. Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
A: Because it’s pointless.
12. Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
13. Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck
14. Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.
15. Q: What do call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
16. Q: What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand?
A: Quattro Sinko
17. Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
18. Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
19. Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time
20. Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
21. Q: Where do pencils go for vacation?
22. Q: Why couldn’t the pony sing himself a lullaby?
A: He was a little hoarse
23. Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.
24. Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks!
25. Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!
26. Q: How do hens cheer for their team?
A: They egg them on!
27. Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
28. Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
29. Q: What bow can’t be tied?
A: A rainbow!
30. Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring time
31. Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red Paint
32. Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
33. Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment
34. Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
35. Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o
36. Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
37. Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well
38. Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
39. Q: Why did Roger go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!
40. Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
41. Q: How do you shoot a killer bee?
A: With a bee-bee gun
42. Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?
A: Don’t look, I’m about to change!
43. Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver
44. Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A: Hi Cliff!
45. Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
46. Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam!
47. Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn’t move?
A: The road!
48. Q: What kind of dogs like car racing?
A: Lap dogs
49. Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!
50. Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
51. Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block
52. Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
53. Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
54. Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I’m coming down with something!
55. Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
56. Q: What do you call the security guards who work at the Samsung store?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
57. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
58. Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the Dictionary?
59. Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
A: It was two-tired!
60. Q: What kind of animal do you not want to play games with?
A: A cheetah
61. Q: Why did the chicken get a penalty?
A: For fowl play!
62. Q: What is a cheerleader’s favorite drink?
63. Q: When does Friday come before Thursday?
A: In the dictionary
64. Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!
65. Q: How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?
66. Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow
67. Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
68. Q: What kind of button won’t unbutton?
A: A bellybutton!
69. Q: Why is the sky so unhappy?
A: It has the blues
70. Q: Where do boats go when they get sick?
A: The dock
71. Q: What pet makes the loudest noise?
A: A trum-pet!
72. Q: What do you call a funny mountain?
73. Q: What’s easy to get into but hard to get out of?
74. Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A: A heavy discussion
75. Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: You’re pointless!
76. Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
77. Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look grandpa, no hands!
78. Q: What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
79. Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
80. Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
81. Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
82. Q: What runs but doesn’t get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator
83. Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was out-standing in his field.
84. Q: What kind of dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.
85. Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: “Smiles”, because there is a mile between each ‘s’
86. Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn’t invented yet.
87. Q: Why couldn’t dracula’s wife get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.
88. Q: What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
A: Oh Snap!
89. Q: What did one hat say to another?
A: You stay here, I’ll go on a head
90. Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
91. Q: What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
A: You’re too young to smoke!
92. Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: Cause they arrrrr.
93. Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
94. Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
A. I just love baskin’ robins.
95. Q. How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A. One! After that it’s not empty!
96. Q. Did you hear they’re changing the flooring in daycare centers?
A. They’re calling it infant-tile!
97. Q: What three candies can you find in every school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
98. Q: What do you call a man that irons clothes?
A: Iron Man
99. Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
100. Q: Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
A: Because it’s a little meteor