100 Funny Dirty Jokes (Totally NSFW!)

Here’s a collection of the funniest and the dirtiest jokes online.

1: What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo

2: What is a lesbian’s favourite thing to eat?
A Klondike Bar

3: What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.

4: What is better than a cold Bud?
A warm bush.

5: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

6: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

7: What is the cheapest meat?
Deer balls, there under a buck.

8: What is the definition of “making love”?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

9: What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A bloody waste of fucking time.

10: What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

11: What is the difference between “Oooh!” and “Aaah!”?
About three inches.

12: What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

13: What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt

14: What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
Snowballs.

15: What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

16: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

17: What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

18: What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

19: What is the difference between great literature and pornography?
Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.

20: What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
You can eat your mom’s apple pie.

21: What is the first sign of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in the ass.

22: What is the lightest thing in the world?
A penis…even a thought can raise it.

23: What is the noisiest thing in the world?
Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.

24: What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
Strip Poker

25: What proof do we have that prostitution is recession-proof?
Everyone knows that hookers thrive on hard times.

26: What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to use it.

27: What two words will clear out a men’s changing room quicker than anything else?
Nice dick!

28: What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

29: What’s a diaphragm?
A trampoline for dick heads.

30: What’s another name for pickled bread?
Dill-dough

31: What’s better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.

32: What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven’s First Movement.

33: What’s gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?
A kidney dialysis machine.

34: What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
Kermit’s Finger

35: What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
The captains log.

36: What’s red and blue with a long string?
A smurfette with her period.

37: What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
Vomit

38: What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby?
You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

39: What’s the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
You can drop her off where ever you want!

40: What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence!

41: What’s the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
She can only give you lip once!

42: What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud.

43: What’s the biggest fish in the world?
A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

44: What’s the definition of “Tender Love?”
Two gays with haemorrhoids.

45: What’s the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

46: What’s the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a quickie, only you do it yourself.

47: What’s the definition of eternity?
The time between when you cum and she leaves.

48: What’s the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

49: What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

50: What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

51: What’s the difference between a band-leader and a gynaecologist?
A band-leader fucks his singers and a gynaecologist sucks his fingers.

52: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

53: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.

54: What’s the difference between a hamster and a cow?
Cows survive the branding.

55: What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

56: What’s the difference between a man and ET?
ET phoned home.

57: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

58: What’s the difference between normal sex and anal sex?
Normal sex will make your day, anal sex will make your hole week!!

59: What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a trampoline?
I take my shoes of to jump on a trampoline

60: What’s the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?
I don’t have a Porsche in my garage

61: hat’s the difference between a ‘Spice Girls’ video and a porn video?
The porn video has better music!

62: What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
One goes “ribbit” the other goes “rub it”.’

63: What’s the difference between a Trisket and a lesbian?
A Trisket is a snack cracker and a lesbian is a crack snacker!

64: What’s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
Whore’s fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

65: What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

66: What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out!

67: What’s the difference between big foot and your mom?
Your mom is better in bed.

68: What’s the difference between love and herpes?
Love doesn’t last forever.

69: What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
Nothing.

70: What’s the difference between medium and rare?
6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

71: What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

72: What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

73: What’s the difference between parsley and pussy?
Nobody eats parsley.

74: What’s the difference between pink and purple?
The grip!

75: What’s the difference between sin and shame?
It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

76: What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

77: What’s the difference between the San Diego Padres and a Prostitute?
Nothing, they both suck!

78: What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

79: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.

80: What’s the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
Inserting the anchovies.

81: What’s the hottest thing in the world?
Two rats fucking in a wool sock.

82: What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
Two test tickles

83: What’s the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A police horse.

84: What’s the speed limit of sex?
68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

85: What’s the ultimate rejection?
When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

86: What’s the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm…

87: What’s white, smells, and can be found in panties?
Clitty litter

88: What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

89: What’s worse then 10 dead babies nailed to one tree?
One dead baby nailed to 10 trees

90: What’s yellow and green and eats nuts?
Gonorrhoea

91: When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first Brownie

92: Where do fags park?
In the rear.

93: Which is the odd one out a woman, a microwave or a fridge/freezer?
The microwave, the other two leak when they’re fucked!

94: Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

95: Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again!

96: Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

97: Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.

98: Why are roach clips called roach clips?
Because “pot holder” was already taken.

99: Why are women are like tires?
There’s always a spare.

100: Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

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