100 Sex Jokes

Funny Sex Jokes List

1: Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
He found a hare up his ass.

2: Did you hear about the gay truckers?
They exchanged loads.

3: Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.

4: Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
They went outside to exchange blows

5: Did you hear about the two gay judges?
They tried each other.

6: Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
They kept trying each other.

7: Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for “lesbian”.
It has been changed to “vagitarian”.

8: Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

9: Did you know 70% of the gay population were born that way?
The other 30% were sucked into it.

10: Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
Wool!

11: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something.

12: Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
It’s for the Christmas period.

13: Hear about the new gay sitcom?
“Leave it, it’s Beaver.”

14: Hey, what’s sticky, white and falls from the sky?
The cumming of the Lord

15: How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.

16: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out.

17: How can you tell a head nurse?
She’s the one with the dirty knees!

18: How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
All the good guys are hung.

19: How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.

20: How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

21: How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse.

22: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.

23: How did the gay break his leg at the golf course?
He fell off the ball washer!

24: How do men sort out their laundry?
Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

25: How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.

26: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It’s not hard.

27: How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy

28: How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.

29: How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

30: How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
He’s smoking a cigarette.

31: How do you know when your wife is really dead?
Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

32: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
Give it a nipple.

33: How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her.

34: How do you say 69 in Chinese?
Twocanchew (two can chew).

35: How do you teach a blond math?
Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

36: How do you tell if a chick’s too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

37: How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

38: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

39: How is a woman like a road?
Both have manholes.

40: How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.

41: How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
None It should be open when she brings it to you

42: How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

43: If your mother and father have a baby and its not your sister or your brother, who is it?
It’s you, you fucking idiot!

44: Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
“Is it in?”

45: What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!

46: What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
I can’t see a thing with all this shit in here!

47: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.

48: What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
Good morning Girls

49: What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
See you next period.

50: What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he’s getting ready to fuck has genital warts?
“Hang on, boy! It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!”

51: What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
I feel like a kid again!

52: What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
“Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”

53: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

54: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.

55: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.

56: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

57: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

58: What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
Without the hole in the middle they aren’t good for shit.

59: What do a Turtle and a Pedophile have in common?
They both want to get there before the ‘hair’ does.

60: What do you call a female clown?
A Clunt

61: What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
Cunt Stubble.

62: What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.

63: What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
Bisexual.

64: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?A: Lickalotopuss.

65: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

66: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

67: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A tran-sister.

68: What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A lesbian with a hard-on.

69: What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A pubic hair.

70: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
Pimp.

71: What do you call an anorexic prostitute?
Lite & Easy

72: What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
Miracle whip.

73: What do you call two lesbians with their period?
Finger painting.

74: What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.

75: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

76: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don’t do dick.

77: What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!

78: What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm “Jersey”

79: What does a female snail say during sex?
Faster, faster, faster!

80: What does a woman’s asshole do when she is having an orgasm?
He is usually home with the kids!

81: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A navel.

82: What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

83: What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

84: What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

85: What’s a necrophilia’s biggest complaint about sex?
They just kinda lay there.

86: What’s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
All it takes is one prick and its all over.

87: What’s female Viagra?
Jewellery

88: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

89: Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell.

90: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
Their shaky hands!

91: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
So men can be open minded.

92: Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.

93: Why does the bride always wear white?
Well aren’t all kitchen appliances that colour?

94: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

95: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

96: Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

97: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

98: Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

99: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

100: You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!

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