1. Why do bananas need sunscreen? Because they peel.
2. What do you call a cow that just had a baby? DeCALFeinated or A New Moother
3. What kind of fish is made of only 2 sodium atoms? 2 Na
4. RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
5. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
6. If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
7. I hate perforated lines, they’re tearable.
8. When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
9. What do you call a can of soup that eats other cans of soup? A CANnibal.
10. So I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my apartment. Looking around, it seemed like they didn’t really take a whole lot. My TV was still there, my PS4, and my legos were fine. But the apartment was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps…I was delighted.
11. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
12. The rotation of earth really makes my day.
13. Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I’m still working on it.
14. You heard the rumor going around about butter? Nevermind, I shouldn’t spread it.
15. What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent ft. Nickelback
16. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.
17. KID: “Hey, I was thinking… ” DAD: “I thought I smelled something burning.”
18. Son: Where are my sunglasses? Dad: I don’t know…where are my dad glasses?
19. What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometry Cyprus.
20. What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1
21. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
22. I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
23. You shouldn’t kiss anyone on January 1st because it’s only the first date.
24. If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?
25. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
26. Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
27. What does a house wear? A dress.
28. A furniture store keeps calling me. But all I wanted was one night stand.
29. Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.
30. Why does Peter pan always fly? Because he neverlands!
31. My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
32. My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.
33. Had seafood last night, now I’m eel.
34. I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge.
35. Just quit my job at Starbucks because day after day it was the same old grind.
36. Went to the corner shop today… Bought four corners.
37. How do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
38. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
39. I’m thinking about getting a new haircut… I’m going to mullet over.
40. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
41. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
42. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.
43. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
44. What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate clauses.
45. What time is it? I don’t know. It keeps changing.
46. I used to have a job at the calendar factory, but they fired me because I took a couple of days off.
47. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
48. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
49. You got a haircut? Looks like you got all of them cut!
50. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
51. Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.
52. WAITRESS: “Soup or salad?” DAD: “I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.”
53. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
54. Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.
55. NURSE: “Blood type?” DAD: “Red.”
56. SERVER: “Sorry about your wait.” DAD: “Are you saying I’m fat?”
57. KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!” DAD: “Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
58. What do you call a fish with two knees? A “two-knee” fish.
59. You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
60. I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
61. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
62. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!
63. Can February March? No, but April May!
64. What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.
65. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
66. When you ask a dad if they got a haircut: “No, I got them all cut!”
67. What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”
68. What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño your face.
69. Why wasn’t the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.
70. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
71. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
72. Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop? Forever 21.
73. You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.
74. DAD, TO A SINGER: “Don’t forget a bucket.” SINGER: “Why?” DAD: “To carry your tune.”
75. Why did the crab never share? Because he’s shellfish.
76. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
77. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
78. You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.
79. Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
80. Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable.
81. I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!
82. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
83. Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
84. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
85. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
86. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!
87. CASHIER: “Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?” DAD: “No, just leave it in the carton!’”
88. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
89. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
90. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
91. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.
92. KID: “Hey, I was thinking…” DAD: “I thought I smelled something burning.”
93. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
94. A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
95. When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
96. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
97. FAST FOOD WORKER: “Any condiments?” DAD: “Compliments? You look very nice today!”
98. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
99. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
100. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.