1. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.
2. The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up
3. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
4. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
5. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
6. The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.
7. When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.
8. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
9. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
10. I like my coffee like my women.
11. What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
12. I don’t trust these stairs because they’re always up to something.
13. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.
14. My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
15. Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.
16. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighbourhood and one of them was a-salted.
17. Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.
18. Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.
19. I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
20. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
21. No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
22. Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
23. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
24. Don’t trust people who do acupuncture, they’re backstabbers.
25. The Police was called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
26. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
27. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
28. A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
29. Why could Jimmy not drive a tractor? Because he had no arms or legs. Why? Because he is a potato.
30. There are two muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other, “It sure is hot in here”. The other muffin says, “Yeah like 350, 375”.
31. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
32. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
33. I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
34. I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.
35. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
36. A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.
37. I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
38. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
39. The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
40. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now. 41. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
42. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
43. It’s not that the man did not know how to I used to be a banker but I lost interest
45. Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand, she was completely fine. Best Anti-Jokes
46. Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn’t resistor.
47. Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
48. My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
49. A prisoner’s favourite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
50. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
51. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
52. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.
53. Your mom’s so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
54. I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!
55. I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.
56. I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.
57. I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
58. I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.
59. Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
60. I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.
61. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
62. I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
63. If Chuck Norris has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
64. What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot.
65. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
66. What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
67. I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
68. I tried talking about our future but she just kept bringing up my past. It was a tense conversation.
69. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
70. Chuck Norris walked into a bar. He was greeted with much respect considering he was a talented actor.
71. People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.
72. A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck
73. Two black guys go into a convenience store, pay for their stuff and leave.
74. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? “Where’s my tractor?
75. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
76.My elderly aunt loves telling jokes while she knits. She is a real knitwit.
77. Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
78. A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
79. The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
80. An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community. Good anti-Jokes
81. A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
82. Q: Why did the boy drop his ice cream? A: Because he was hit by a bus.
83. Q: Why can’t Helen Keller drive? A: Because she’s dead.
84. Q: How do you stop a ginger from drowning? A: You throw him a lifesaver and tell him to grab on to it.
85. Q: Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle? A: Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.
86. Q: Why is there no Aspirin in the rainforest? A: Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the unpopulated rainforest.
87. Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? A: Where’s my tractor?
88. Q: How many members of an ethnicity does it take to perform a specified task? A: A finite number! One member to perform the task, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical to the ethnicity in question.
89. Q: Why did the little girl fall off of her bike? A: Because she didn’t have any arms.
90. Q: How do you make antifreeze? A: Take away her blanket.
91. Q: Why the fireman was buried on the top of the hill? A: Because he was dead.
92. Q: Why is Scientology the Fastest Growing Religion of 21st Century? A: It isn’t, it’s a cult.
93. Q: Why are black people so good at basketball? A-Dedication and hard work.
94. Q: How do you make a plumber cry? A: You kill his family.
95. Q: What’s green and has wheels? A: Grass, I lied about the wheels.
96. Q: What’s funnier than cancer? A: Most things, really.
97. Q: A midget goes up to a prostitute and asks “what’s the worst joke you ever heard?” A: She replies “probably this one.
98. Q: Why was six afraid of seven? A: Actually, numbers are abstract concepts, and therefore incapable of feeling fear.
99. Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
100. Male: I would die for you… Female: Prove it