1. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.
2. How is a woman like a road?
They both have manholes.
3. Why are men like diapers?
They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
4. What type of bird gives the best head?
A swallow.
5. What’s better than a cold Bud?
A warm bush.
6. How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.
7. What should you do if you come across an elephant?
Apologize and wipe it off.
8. What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?
They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.
9. How are gay people like mice?
They both hate pussies.
10. What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
11. What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
Your job still sucks.
12. What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip-off.
13. What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?
They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
14. How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?
If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.
15. What did one of the prostitute’s knees say to the other?
How come we spend so little time together?
16. What do you call two men fighting over a slut?
Tug-of-whore.
17. Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?
She just couldn’t take it any longer.
18. Why don’t little girls fart?
They don’t get assholes til they’re married.
19. What do you call an incestuous nephew?
An aunt-eater.
20. What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms?
Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.
21. What do you call a nanny with breast implants?
A faux-pair.
22. How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
23. What do women and noodles have in common?
Both wiggle when you eat them.
24. What do you get when you jingle a man’s balls?
A white Christmas.
25. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts them off. A priest sucks them off.
26. What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
27. What did one broke hooker say to the other?
Can you lend me ten bucks ‘til I’m on my back again?
28. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.
29. What’s the real definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body—except his.
30. What does a slut say when her daughter asks how to spell “penis”?
“I wish you’d asked me last night, when it was on the tip of my tongue.”
31. How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
32. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming!
33. What do you call a sex-crazed gay cannibal?
A head hunter.
34. Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
35. Why did the semen cross the road?
Because you wore the wrong socks today.
36. Why did the snowman suddenly smile?
He could see the snowblower coming.
37. What’s the difference between a clitoris and a cell phone?
Nothing! Every cunt’s got one.
38. When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?
When he’s standing next you girlfriend saying that her hair smells nice.
39. What does a dumb slut say when you ask if she’s ever tried 69?
“Thirty dudes is the most I can screw in one night.”
40. How are women like linoleum floors?
If you lay ’em right the first time, you can walk all over them for the next 20 years or so.
41. What’s the square root of 69?
Ate something.
42. What do you do when your cat’s dead?
Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.
43. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?
A glad-he-ate-her.
44. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.
45. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?
A dictator.
46. Why did Jesus die a virgin?
Every single “wound” he touched closed up.
47. How is life like toilet paper?
You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.
48. What’s the best way to respond when a girls asks “what’s up”?
“If I tell you, will you sit on it?”
49. What does it mean if a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after a first date?
She’s got small tits.
50. Wanna hear a joke about my dick?
Nevermind. It’s too long.
51. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
52. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
53. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
54. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
55. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
56. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
57. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
58. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!
59. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
60. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.
61. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
62. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lotta-puss.
63. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
64. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
65. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
66. What’s the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
67. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
68. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
The man.
69. Why do vegetarians give good head?
Beause they’re used to eating nuts.
70. What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.
71. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
72. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
73. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
74. Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
75. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
76. What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!
77. What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
78. What’s another name for a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
79. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
80. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!
81. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
82. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
83. How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.
84. Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.
85. What do you call a guy with a small dick?
Just-in!
86. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?
Phil!
87. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.
88. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
89. Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
90. How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
91. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
92. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
93. What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
94. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
95. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
96. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
97. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
98. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
99. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
100. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
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