LOLLOL

Hilarious Jokes

1. What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

A:It’s nacho cheese.

2. What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armour?

A: A knight light.

3. Have you heard about corduroy pillows?!

A:They’re making headlines!

4. Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

A: Ba-dum Tish!

5. What do you call a cow with two legs?

A: Lean beef.

6. How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A: You ‘neek’ up on it.

7. How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A: The ‘tame’ way.

8. What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

A: BREATHE!

9. The past, present and future walk into a bar.

A: It was tense.

10. What goes “ha ha thump”?

A: A man laughing his head off.

11. What did the grape say when he was pinched?

A: Nothing, he gave a little wine.

12. What’s brown and sticky?

A: A stick!

13. How do you make a tissue dance?

A: You put a little boogie in it.

14. Why did the policeman smell bad?

A:He was on duty.

15. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

A: FO DRIZZLE!

16. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

A: Because it has a silent pee.

17. Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone?

A: He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for.

18. Why is six afraid of seven?

A: Because seven ate nine.

19. How does Jesus make tea????

A: Hebrews it.

20. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A:Elephino!

21. What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor?
A: “Where’s my Tractor?!”

22. Have you heard about the duck that was arrested for dealing?

A: He was selling “quack”.

23. What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall?

A: DAM!

24. Where does a sheep go for a haircut?

A: To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!

25. What does a nosey pepper do?

A: Gets jalapeno business!

26. What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A: A flat miner.

27. Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

A: It was a crappy ordeal

28. Who’s there?” … “Control freak. Okay now you say, ‘Control freak who?”

29. What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything.

30. What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?

A: Boobies.

31. Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”

32. What do you do with a dead chemist ….

A: You Barium.

33. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull? A: Lipstick!

34. What do you call a sleepwalking nun…

A: A roamin’ Catholic.

35. How do you make holy water?

A: You boil the hell out of it.

36. What did the 0 say to the 8?

A: Nice belt!

37. Why did the orange stop?

A: Because, it ran outta juice.

38. What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

A: Dung!

39. What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No eye deer.

40. What’s the last thing that goes thru a bug’s mind as he hits the windshield?

A: His butt.

41. I never make mistakes…I thought I did once; but I was wrong.

42. What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

A: …Ba-na-na-naaa!

43. Why are pirates so mean?

A: I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!

44. Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?

A: He was looking for Pooh!

Hilarious Knock Knock Jokes

45. Knock Knock Who’s there? Tunis! Tunis who?

A: Tunis company, three’s a crowd!

46. Knock Knock Who’s there? Iran! Iran who?

A: Iran over here to tell you this!

47. Knock Knock Who’s there?

A: Opportunity Don’t be silly – opportunity doesn’t knock twice!

48. Knock Knock Who’s there? Daisy Daisy who?

A: Daisy me rollin, they hatin

49. Knock, Knock! Who’s there?

A: A Pile-Up A Pile-Up Who? Ewwwwww

50. Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Doctor Doctor who?

A: That’s a great T.V. show, isn’t it?

51. Knock knock Who’s there Gorilla? Gorilla who?

A: Gorilla me a hamburger

52. Knock knock Who’s there Amish Amish Who?

A: Awwww How sweet. I miss you too.

53. Knock, Knock! Who’s There? Dewey! Dewey who?

A: Dewey have to use a condom?

54. Knock Knock Who’s There? Ben Hur Ben Hur who?

A: Ben Hur over and give it to her doggy style!

55. Knock Knock Who’s There? Justin Justin who?

A: You’re Justin time to wipe my @$$ !

56. Knock Knock Who’s there! Ice cream ! Ice cream who ?

A: Ice cream if you don’t let me in!

57. Knock Knock Who’s there? Doris! Doris who?

A: Doris locked that’s why I am knocking!

58. Knock Knock. Who’s there? The guy who finished second.

A: The guy who finished second who? Exactly.

59. Knock knock! Who’s there? Yah! Yah who?

A: Naaah, bro, I prefer google.

60. Knock, Knock! Who’s There? Buster! Buster who?

A: Buster Cherry! Is your daughter home?

61. Knock Knock Who’s there? Orange Orange who?

A: Orange you going to answer the door?

62. Knock knock! Who’s there? Dwayne! Dwayne who?

A: Dwayne the bathtub, I’m drowning.

63. Knock Knock Who’s there? Alex! Alex who?

A: Alex the questions round here!

64. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Butch, Jimmy and Joe. Butch, Jimmy, and Joe Who?

A: Butch your arms around me, Jimmy a kiss, and let’s Joe.

65. Knock Knock Who’s there? Urine Urine Who?

A: URINEsecure don’t know what for.

66. Knock Knock Who’s there ! Waiter ! Waiter who ?

A: Waiter I get my hands on you!

67. Knock Knock Who’s there? Old lady Old lady who?

A: Wow I didn’t know you could yodel.

68. Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Dumbbell. Dumbbell who?

A: Dumbbell doesn’t work so I had to knock!

69. Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!

70. Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune?

A: Because he couldn’t find a date!

71. Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A:
The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew”.

72. Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment.

73. Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?

A. Milk and quackers!

74. Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
A: Man, that hit the “spot.”

75. Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?

A: Never mind, it’s over your head!

76. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no-body to go with.

77. Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?

A: They take the psycho path.

78. Q: What do you say when you lose a wii game?
A: I want a wii-match!

79. Q: How do you make an Octupus laugh?
A: With ten-tickles

80. Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!

81. Q: How do you drown a Hipster?
A:
In the mainstream.

82. Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!

83. Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?

A: It barked with de-light!

84. Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp.

85. Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?

A: Spoiled milk.

86. Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!

87. Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?

A: A towel.

88. Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

89. Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!

90. Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?”
A: “You can’t tuna fish.”

91. Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A:
Cell phones.

92. Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks.

93. Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
A: Microwaves!

94. Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!

95. Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?

A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

96. Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I’m coming down with something!

97. Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?

A: A Clausterphobic

98. Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch

99. Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.

100. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

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